Tears and Rainbows

The past couple of days was hard. What I have always known came back to the surface to hit me again real hard. I guess I was just too stubborn to accept what I should have accepted a long time ago. You were never mine. Yes, maybe you did try to see if you will feel something for me, I would like to believe that the effort would not have been there if you did not try to see me as other than your friend. But it was just not enough. You feel so strongly about her that nobody else will do.

What you said the other day, that you are willing to wait no matter how long for her even if you know that your chances are slim, that hurts. But it also made me realize that i'm a fighting a lost fight. Whatever slim chances of hope that I have, it all vanished with that statement. Maybe it's for the best, maybe it's for my own good. Maybe that is what I need to really start forgetting what I feel about you, heal my broken heart, and eventually move on. But it will take some time, I don't forget easily, that's the problem. But that's my problem not yours. Actually, this whole thing is my problem, not yours. You did not ask me to fall in love with you, I just did.

I will still be your friend, yes, that much I can promise you. But maybe, just not like as before. Because, i'm still hurting after all.

I will be okay, someday I would be able to look back at this whole thing and just smile with fondness, maybe. As they say, there's always a rainbow after each storm, so i'll just let myself be sad for a while and let the tears flow, so that after all these, I will finally see my rainbow.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel ray
Stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who dies,
The only one, and I will die of love
Because I love you,
Because I love you,
Love, in fire and blood.

Missing you...

Lately, you and I haven’t been talking… (Is it Over Now, Nina)

As with all recovery process there will be good days and there will bad days. This is one of the bad days. I don’t know if it’s just that time of the month but I find myself getting lonelier and lonelier each day. I miss you. No matter how much I pretend that I don’t, I really do.

I miss the times that we never had… (Almost, Tamia)

Well, maybe it’s more of I miss our friendship, if you could call it that. I miss our conversations, no matter how silly the topic is. I miss how you would ask me “balita” when you see me online in facebook, even if we just went our separate ways a couple of hours back. I miss making fun of you and how I could just be myself when i'm with you. The companionship, the laughter, even the silence. I even miss how you nag me when I stay up really late. Sometimes I wish I could turn go back to that time when I haven’t fallen for you yet, back when everything was just fine.

There’s a difference between dreaming and pretending… (Goodbye Alice in Wonderland, Jewel)

But, I must keep my resolve. I must keep that space between us so I could get over you or whatever this is that I feel for you. I must do this for myself because it has already hurt too much and I could only take so much. In time, maybe I could go back to being your friend, but for now, I’ll just keep on missing you until it all goes away.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead… (Someone Like You, Adele)

Never Mind

I'm listening to Glee's mash-up of Rumour Has It and Someone Like You both by Adele and i'm absolutely loving it.

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It's getting harder everyday but I know that this is the right thing to do. I think he's starting to notice that i'm distancing myself from him but it's better this way. Maybe i'll lose a friend, maybe not. But I know that it's time for me to give myself a chance to heal and move on. I don't want to waste my time and feelings anymore on something that's going nowhere, I think I deserve better than that.

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I'm going to Baguio!!! I'm going to my happy place, hopefully it will do wonders to my current disposition. Really looking forward to this trip. :D

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We celebrated my Lola Cely's 76th birthday yesterday. As always, it was fun being with that side of my family. Sayang, Lolo Dinong is not with us anymore, he would have enjoyed making fun of Lola. God, I miss him so much, we all do. So much.

Will I Ever?

I've been drowning in sadness and longing for quite sometime now and honestly, it's getting tiring. Each time that I think i'm feeling okay, something will happen that somehow i'll find a way to make a big issue out of which in turn will cause me to feel sad again. I don't want to unload on my friends anymore because it's the same topic again and again and I know that eventually I will also tire them out so i'm keeping all of it to myself. I've been snappish, and moody, and basically pretty hard to live with for the past months.

Problem is, I don't know exactly what it is that i'm looking for. I don't know if i'm where I am now, emotionally, because of a specific person or because there is something that I so desperately want but I can't seem to have.

I want to be in love and be loved in return, why is it so damn hard?? Will I ever get a shot at it? Will I ever find him? Sometimes i'm not so sure anymore.

062211

Letting go by its nature is hard. For me, letting go of something you never had should be the easiest type of letting go. Then why am I finding it so hard to do so?

It probably is my fault. Maybe I gave more meaning to the friendship that you offered. Maybe I allowed myself to hope that there could be something more, that somehow there is something more. Maybe that is why I find myself hurting now.

I wonder if the reason why I was so gullible was because I am so desperate to fall in love, so frantic to experience how it is to be in love and be loved in return that I see each act of kindness or friendship as so much more. This feeling of desperation is what makes me vulnerable, more susceptible to hurt.

When things were starting, I only had one prayer. That if it is not you that you be taken away from me. That we don’t become too close that I won’t be able to hold myself back from falling for you. That if it is not you, that God won’t allow me to fall for you. But I did. And it probably was my fault, because I failed to recognize the signs, or that I stubbornly refused to recognize the signs that He has given me. And now I am again asking for a sign, and I sincerely hope that this time I will listen. So that I truly let you go and just accept the friendship that you offer.

And maybe then, I will be ready to open my heart to the one who is truly meant to be in it.

Raisin Bread

There are several things running through my mind that I thought Twitter would not be enough then I remembered that I have a blog! :P So, just random thoughts. :)

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I want a raisin bread, like the ones from Baguio Country Club. I don't know though where I can get the same here in Manila. And speaking of Baguio, I really want to go back there this year! I also want to try the breads from Palaganas Bakery that I read in one of my blog hops. I also want to join the 21KM run in Baguio this coming April 21. Hmmm, we'll see.

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I like breads. I know several people who doesn't like it but I love them. I even like trying unknown ones. But I don't like plain bread. I like them with raisins (fave!), or nuts, or with spread (fave is just a bit of butter with jam).

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For my 1st run in 2011, i'm running for the dolphins! My registration was a gift from my dear friends, Mark, Bom, and Jela so this run is also for them. I wish to do a better PR, and it's kind of exciting because this is a new route for me. And imagine running on the skyway!!!! (huge grin on my face!). I want to do a full marathon sometime towards the end of the year, I hope and pray that i'll be able to do it. :) But i'm planning on doing shorter distances for the meantime with a couple more of half-mary's.

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Yesterday I got a bit sad about something. Well, it was mostly assumption on my part really. And if I would say it outloud, I think my own self will turn to me, one eyebrow raised, dead stare and say "Huh?". It's silly I know.

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I can't seem to summon the willpower that I had when I started dieting. Ewan ko ba, nakakainis. I can't say no to food na ulit ngayon, I just compensate it with gym and exercise. That's why I can't lose the 10lbs that is stubbornly clinging on to my body. Argh!

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Sometimes I don't want to look at Piolo anymore... lalo lang ako nai-in-love sa kanya. Hahaha! And i'm giving Fully Booked a wide berth these days, kasi baka pag dumaan ako, i'll go out P2,500 poorer because of his coffee table book. Actually, good was there was an open copy at the Rockwell branch so I was able to browse it. Isang malaking "haaaaaaay Piolo".

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How do you know if a guy likes you? How can you tell? Pag ba mas madalas syang nangungulit is that paramdam? Or baka sa mga panahon na 'to wala lang talaga syang masyadong friend? Hehe. Bano talaga 'ko when it comes to these matters.

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I know I shouldn't complain and be thankful that I have a job, but sometimes you get so tired that you can't help but complain. :( Year-end closing is almost over BUT only a week left and it's month-end closing again. Sometimes I really wonder if i'm at the correct field. I'm good at what i'm doing, I do enjoy it, but sometimes, really... it's just so tiring and stressful! But then again, what job isn't? :(

Sacrifices and stuff

Some things are just not worth fighting for. Probably because there will come a time when you will realize that just so you could get what you want and be happy, you'll have to fight the whole world for it and isn't that saying something? Maybe it is not meant to be yours in the first place so why push it? Yes, some people would urge you to go on and fight for what you want, but some rational part of you would say if it's for you, then why would you have to go through all that hearthache and pain? And what if there are other people involved? What if in the process you could hurt some people, is it worth it? In the end, will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say that you're happy? I can't. I don't know. I'm not a goody-goody type of person. But I do know that I can't step on somebody else's toes just so I can be happy. I'd rather sacrifice my own happiness, my own dreams than hurt someone else. I'm not being self-righteous here, i'm just not wired that way.

Nice read :)

Thank you

Dear Lolo Dinong and Lola Cely,

Thank you... thank you for making me see that the words "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part" can still come true. For making me see that love can last and that people can really grow old together and keep the love intact.

Lola, thank you. Thank you for taking care of Lolo until his last breath even if you yourself are very tired. Thank you for staying with him through the good times and the bad, for loving him inspite of his faults, for making him happy until the very end. For holding his hand even in the wee hours of the morning. I remember when I stayed with you for a couple of nights, we have to wake up very early in the morning because Lolo had to take his meds then afterwards, he can't sleep anymore. He was singing Monalisa, and you were like, "Nako, eto na naman tayo kay Monalisa", then he just smiled at you... I really felt good that time. I thought, this, this is love, it can happen pala talaga. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now but I hope that you do know that we are here and we will take care of you.

Lolo, thank you. I don't even know where to begin, we owe so much from you. You are a really good man. You don't say much, but we can feel your love through the things you do and not do. I have a lot of things to thank you for: welcoming us into your home and taking care of us when we were kids; accepting us and loving us even if you did not approve of Mama and Papa's early marriage; forgiving Papa of his faults and for loving him. And for Mama, thank you for her. Not even once did you make us feel unwanted because we have taken your favorite daughter from you so early. But most of all, thank you for teaching us to have faith...for showing us that all things are possible, you just have to have faith. In your last days, even if it hurts so much, not even once did we hear you question God why he gave you that kind of sickness, you just accepted and respected His will. When I last saw you before we left for home, I was looking at you and secretly I was scared. Somehow I had a feeling that our time with you is about to end, I kind of felt that it's just a matter of days. One time I prayed, "Lord, kahit ano po, kahit anong decision nyo... basta po wala na lang pain, basta po hindi na lang sya mahihirapan, okay na po... sige Lord, okay na po..", I thought it was really okay, hindi pala ganon kadali. It isn't easy to just let go. But we will be okay, Lo. You need not worry about us anymore. Now you are in a place where there is no more pain, you are at peace and happy. You are with your creator now. I love you, Lo. Goodbye for now, till we meet again.

Love,
Jen

P.S. this is for my Lolo Dinong and Lola Cely...

An Answered Prayer

Last Saturday, my maternal grandparents finally came home after two long years of waiting. They used to come home every year, usually spending Canada’s winter season here. But after they went back to Canada on January 2008, Lolo Dinong was diagnosed with prostate cancer. A series of tests and treatments followed, preventing them from coming home to the Philippines. There were several instances that they almost but something always comes up, a new lump is found, or a treatment has been scheduled, or my Lolo was simply too weak to make the trip. The worries we had is coupled with fear that we won’t be able to see him again.

Then a few weeks ago, Lola Cely called to say that they just might come home, but it is yet to be confirmed. Until the last few days before their scheduled arrival we still aren’t sure that they will be able to make the trip home. Three days before their departure, Lolo underwent a radiation treatment that made him feel so weak and they almost cancelled their flight. Good thing that the day before, he felt better and they decided to go.

Saturday morning, we were at the airport at around 8 AM because Tita Des said that their flight from Hong Kong will be coming in at 9:55 AM, it’s not so obvious that we’re excited right? But then, the flight was delayed and it arrived at 11:24 AM. After an hour, we still can’t see them, you can just imagine the agitation and worry that we were feeling then, not knowing what happened to them. We keep on asking the information and all they can tell us is that there were a lot of passengers because four flights came in at the same time. Around 12:45 AM, they finally went out. Of course, the crying session started. We can’t help it, the moment we saw them the tears just came.

We all went to Antipolo afterwards and stayed there for the whole weekend. We had prawns, crabs, lechon, and a lot of deserts to celebrate their homecoming. The weekend was full of laughter and bonding moments. Lolo even stayed up for an hour to chat and mingle with us. He even threw in a couple of jokes at Lola, which Lola gamely took because she said that it’s very rare that Lolo would laugh these days. And Lolo, the ever generous one, gave all of us money because he said that he wasn’t able to buy pasalubongs for us. I promised myself that I won’t ever touch the money he gave me, I’ll just keep it as a remembrance. Plus, he told me that I’ve grown beautiful after losing all that weight, LOL! :D

It was a happy moment for us. But somehow underneath all the laughter and teasing, you know that all of us were sad. Seeing Lolo so weak, always needing Lola at his side, it hurts. Knowing that he won’t be able to do the things he used to do, like go to church every morning, going off to the market to buy anything and everything for the grandchildren, sweep the outside of the house, go over the railings at back garden just so Lola won’t see him going out again (LOL!), it’s disheartening. Then yesterday, when each of us were saying goodbye because we’re going home, he held my hand and said “magi-ingat ka, at sana makahanap ka ng mabuting tao na makaka-tuwang sa buhay”, I just joked “Lolo, pati ba naman ikaw nam-mressure?”, but inside I was secretly afraid because I felt that he was sort of saying goodbye.

We are all currently arranging our schedules so we can spend as much time as we can with our grandparents. We want to ensure that their stay here will be a happy one. They will only be here a month and we don’t really know what is going to happen in that month. We know that it’s just a matter of time before our beloved Lolo will be gone from us, we can see it and we can feel it so there really is no use denying it. Our only prayer, that he be able to come home before he join the Lord has been granted and we would always, always, always be thankful for that.

Thank you, but...

There comes a time when you ask yourself if all the energy and dedication that you give your job is worth it. All the late nights, the headaches, trying to meet your customers' impossible expectations, the time you don't spend with your family and friends, all of it. When you feel that you've given your job almost everything that you have but somehow for some it still not enough, doesn't it makes you want to cry? And then scream, "What do you want, blood??". Yes, you say that you recognize all our efforts and everything, you say thank you and such. But sometimes, words are just not enough. You have to make us know that you really appreciate us, the things we do for you by giving us something in return also.

I'm crying right now because I feel unappreciated and sad. Some will say that it's just money but somehow it really is not. It is a way of showing your appreciation and thanks and respect for the people who works for you. A way of saying that you value them by giving them what is due them. I wasn't really expecting much really, and yet i'm still disappointed. What does it say now?

Maybe it really is time to re-evaluate things.

Huh?

Why do some people don't just say what they want to say? Dinadaan sa pa-cute at pagpapansin. It gets irritating sometimes and it also confuses the other person kung ano ba talaga ang gusto nung isa. Sana naman di ba, sabihin na lang... para malinaw lang, para klaro. Ang weird kasi, and so i'd also stop assuming. It's not a good habit. Parang masyado kong feeling, hehe! :P Kung puede lang tanungin ng "Ano ba ang problema mo?", kaso I don't want to be rude naman. Suplada na nga eh, rude pa. :P

Haay, basta. Sana magsalita na lang di ba? :P

Really?

A conversation I had this morning:

Me: (Looking at the television) Wow, Panagbenga!
Guy: Tiga-Baguio ka ba?
Me: No, favorite place ko lang talaga sya.
Guy: So, pag kinasal ka duon?
Me: Hmm, puede!
Guy: Invite mo ko ha. Pauses. Kelan kaya yun?
Me: Sige, dumagdag ka pa.
Guy: Pero hindi nga, di mo ba plano?
Me: Eh di ba di naman pina-plano yun? Kasi if you plan it tapos di matupad, made-depress ka lang, mas-stress.
Guy: Ah, ibig sabihin gusto mo na magka-boyfriend.
Me: Ha?!? Bakit?
Guy: Kasi nabasa ko yun, pag ang babae daw tinanong mo kung may plano na magka-boyfriend or magpa-kasal tapos ang sinagot sa'yo wala kasi made-depress lang, subconsciously daw gusto na magka-boyfriend or mag-asawa.
Me: Ganon? Talaga lang ha.
Guy: Oo, ganon daw yun. Parang ayaw lang aminin sa sarili, either ang concentration nasa career or mataas ang standards. Ganon daw yun.
Me: Sige, sabi mo eh. Bahala ka.

So now, ano subconscious, gusto mo na ba magka-boyfriend??? :P
Subconscious: Di din.
Hahahaha!

My 27th

I’ll be turning a year older in a few days and I’m kind of looking forward to it, to my birthday I mean. Of course, getting older makes me realize/think about some things that I feel I should have done or doing already or things I should have accomplished and haven’t, but for some reason, the cloud of sadness I’ve felt a few weeks ago has somehow lifted.

Looking back, the past year has been pretty good.

1. I was able to clear up some of my debts. Which really feels good! Growing up, I’ve been too careless with my finances which resulted to me accumulating quite a load of debts but I was finally able to clear most of them last year. It feels good not having to worry so much about where to get the money to pay your bills. Now I’m really trying to be more disciplined when it comes to my finances. And this leads to number 2…

2. I now have savings too! And that my friends, feels better than number 1! It may not be a lot, but at least I’m starting to have savings! :D

3. I’ve got a new sport. Lately, I’ve been quite addicted to running. Though I’ve only joined two marathons (1st is 3KM, 2nd is 5KM), I’m liking it a lot. I run on the treadmill (and to think that I was scared of that machine before!) for an average of 30minutes when I’m at the gym. Then my office friends and I have one running day in a week, sometimes when things are not so toxic, we run twice a week. I’m also planning to join a marathon every month. My goal is to run a half marathon by the end of the year (hopefully with Piolo during the next Timex run!). Oh, and I’ve joined the badminton competition for our sports fest here at the office, although I have no idea how to play it! :P

4. I gained new friends. Isn’t that the most amazing thing? I’m not so friendly and that’s something that my friends and the people who knows me can attest to, so it’s really great when I get to know new people and eventually be friends with them.


5. I finally lost those unwanted pounds! Honestly, this is the biggest thing that happened to me the past year. I started dieting and going to the gym on Feb2009 and after sooo many years of fighting a constant battle with my weight, I finally won. I’ve lost a total of 54 lbs. in one year and it really feels good. What it did to my confidence and health are amazing. I feel lighter, I don’t have to catch my breath after taking just a few flight of stairs, I can do sports (yey!), I don’t hear myself doing weird sounds when I sleep at night. I don’t feel so self-conscious when there are a lot of people, I don’t feel so frustrated when I try on clothes. I feel good about myself, inside and out. And I hope that I’ll be able to maintain this. :)

6. And I almost forgot, one of the highlights of my year... finally seeing Piolo Pascual in person. 'Nuff said. :)


Now, what will happen on my 28th? Not sure yet, but I think I’ve become more optimistic about it. Hmm, most of the predictions, by my friends and horoscope alike, says that I’ll fall in love this year. Well, we’ll see. :)

Not bad... :)